I am always amazed at the passing of time, but this is ridiculous!
In January I said, “Just wait a few more days,” that was four months ago! Unbelievable!
Synopsis:
September 1995 diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and denied it.
November 2000 emerged from denial.
November 2000- June 2008 tried every available MS pharmaceutical and almost every alternative.
My body didn’t respond.
May 2008 looked into in-home health care.
June 2008 John Hopkins High Dose of Cytoxin (HiCy) for MS.
October 2008 MRI proved remission.
Why am I still using a walker most of the time? Am I the Queen of Denial and is it not really possible to develop new pathways in my brain? Or am I procrastinating and avoiding the focus?
I would say I’m procrastinating. I have learned through the MS years that the walker is a trump card. Everyone has storms, as Nick Vujicic calls it. Not all of them are visible. Some people have emotional or relationship issues, addictions or unseen health issues, the list goes on. With this visual image of a walker, no one can deny that I have a reason for not doing…. I can truly do anything that I want to. My daughter argues that point, “But Mom,” she says, “You can’t walk.”
When I got the MRI results back almost 2 years ago stating that the MS was in remission, I started working hard. I would work hard and make progress. Just like back in the early days of relapsing – remitting MS, I’d wake up and all the progress I made was lost. There is no new damage in my brain, but the damage that was done is done.
I decided to make movies about my progress in hopes that knowing people are watching would motivate me to keep working. It’s interesting to see myself handle my life the way I am! I am allowing myself to focus on different things.
As my husband was watching me post this movie on YouTube, I said to him, “I’m really deceiving everyone.” Or maybe I’m deceiving myself.
Reality is I want to do the easy things (they haven’t always been easy): eat the right foods (which I am), drink the right drinks (I’ve tried EVERYTHING), moderately exercise, get enough sleep, then wake up in the morning with my brain healed. I want to wake up with new pathways created.
It’s obvious that no matter how many friends I have on facebook or followers on Twitter, no matter how beautiful my blog is, new pathways won’t be formed in my brain without the work. No denying.
I’ve never been afraid of work. Why now? Why this? Fear? Fear of the possibility that maybe I can’t? My tears indicates that I hit the nail on the head. If I stay focused on my online success, I’ll never have to focus on my physical success. As long as I keep using my walker, no one expects anything different.
OK~ this is it!! It’s time.
I’ll slow down (can I be any slower?) and walk around the house with a cane instead of the walker all day. I’ll get off the computer at least every hour and walk around the house.
I’ll never succeed if I never try.
I have been blessed with everything I need to try. I have legs, I have arms.
Here’s to the trying ~ I’m toasting my glass of purified water~
On June 1st I’ll show you an honest update~
May 12th, 2010 at 1:56 am
Linda you amaze me!
You have the strength to not only work through your fears, but also to create some much-needed but often very very uncomfortable accountability! You look beautiful and you CAN relearn this. You have to find that middle ground of forgiveness and tough love with yourself as you both force and EXPECT those pathways to reform. No “lets see”, no “try”… no “expect to fail”… only do. It wont be easy but hey, we’re no stranger to the struggles. Hang in there girl. Can’t wait to see next month’s video! Love ya *big hugs*
Kimberly
.-= Kimberly Castleberry@wordpress help´s last blog ..Listing of Community DoFollow, Commentluv, KeywordLov blogs! =-.
May 12th, 2010 at 7:35 am
Thank you Kimberly! Your comment means so much to me! You are so right~ spoken with words that a mother would understand and yet I never thought about! Of course forgiveness, but ‘tough love’ with myself ~ yes! That’s EXACTLY what I must do!!! Buck up and DO IT! Thank you!!
May 13th, 2010 at 3:24 pm
Linda,
We walk the same walk, my friend. Each day is a refocus day to push beyond the limits of possibility and take that few extra steps towards walking with a cane full time. We must have the attitude “I’ll do whatever it takes to walk!”
I empathize with you, I’ll set goals with you, and let’s force each other forward every single day!
Love you,
Dar
.-= Darlene Davis´s last blog ..Letter to Mother =-.
May 13th, 2010 at 10:43 pm
Darlene~
Yes! Let’s do it together! We’ll forgive our bodies for letting us down and work hard to get them back to peak performance!
May 14th, 2010 at 6:51 am
Hello Linda,
I enjoyed your video showing the strength and commitment of your journey.
The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man’s foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher.
Keep moving upward in your quest!!
May God Bless!
Lloyd
.-= Lloyd Dobson´s last blog ..Three Simple Concepts For Creating Success In Life =-.
May 16th, 2010 at 8:21 am
Well said Lloyd! I can see how I was resting on a rung of my ladder and when resting for too long it was beginning to break! It will be fun to watch what happens in action!
May 14th, 2010 at 11:51 am
Great inspiration, Linda…
And I think that feeling of being ‘phony’ is ok..
What people see today is the clearest representation of who you are. Remember, we become who we want to be before we see the effects in our own lives. Until that time, others will look upon us as an advancing person and want to be led by you.
And you are a leader.
.-= Paul Klaszus´s last blog ..Memory Loss from Stress? =-.
May 14th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
Thank you for saying so – it will be fun to see it all evolve – It’s all about tough love!
May 14th, 2010 at 1:39 pm
Great to come here and read from what you’ve written from your heart. I agree with everything you’ve said and can identify with a little of it. It’s great to remind others of this and I’m taking away a thought of “taking action” instead of watching it. Thanks
.-= Bill Cowan´s last blog ..Walking In A Fog =-.
May 14th, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Your guts & determination is admirable Linda, you are taking ‘accountability’ to a new level. I just know that we are going to see amazing improvement in your health and I sooo look forward to it.
Good on you
((hugs))
Toni
.-= Toni King´s last blog ..Taking Time Out. =-.
May 15th, 2010 at 12:33 pm
Toni~ You’re a wonderful new found friend! I thank you!!
May 14th, 2010 at 5:36 pm
You know Linda we all have a walking frame just not all are visible. My frame supports (or disables) my mind and its issues. Your post or rather comment about forgiving your body has given me an AHH moment of forgiveness of myself for not thinking it is good enough. You know in the short time I have come to know you I have always thought you seemed a strong person – especially mother of 8. I visualise you empowered and walking through life, no cane in sight.
Belinda
.-= Belinda Cunningham´s last blog ..Money Management Secret to Wealth: Pay yourself first =-.
May 15th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Thank you Belinda! I appreciate all you’ve said~ we’ll visualize together and watch me walk!!
May 17th, 2010 at 8:38 pm
Yes, Belinda, it’s true~ We all have something~ It’s great that we can be there for each other! Thank you for your encouragement!
May 17th, 2010 at 9:13 am
Linda,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You are an awesome woman who will not let anything deter you from achieving your dreams.
Never, ever give into despair, you are moving yourself forward every moment. You have a gift that you are sharing with the world!
Thanks so much for being you!
Val
.-= Val Wilcox´s last blog ..Discover Your Purpose in Life =-.
May 17th, 2010 at 8:36 pm
Thank you Val! I can’t tell you how much i appreciate your support! I’m so glad to me marketing with you!!
May 17th, 2010 at 9:36 am
Hey Linda,
What a powerful post. I wish you all the success and look forward to you your progress report in June. I know you can do whatever you put your mind too and you don’t have to worry about being a phony you showed your wonderful authentic self in this post.
Thank you for the message.
Beth
.-= Beth Hewitt´s last blog ..A 5 Year Old, a flashing scooter, three frogs and a kazoo =-.
May 17th, 2010 at 8:35 pm
I thank you Beth for saying so! I’m excited to see my progress!
May 18th, 2010 at 6:09 pm
Linda,
You are an amazing individual!
Your video was great, showing your commitment and your strength. Its all about the mindsets and attitudes that you use in life. Im excited for updates! Keep us posted!
Kyle Nelson
~Customizing, Personal Development, & Marketing TActics~
.-= Kyle´s last blog ..12 Tips For Time Management With Internet Marketing =-.
May 18th, 2010 at 9:30 pm
I thank you! I really will do updates on the first of every month~ I have gotten strength from so many of my new online friends!
March 2nd, 2011 at 10:26 pm
I just found your blog, so I hope you’ll get back to it. Would love to hear an update!
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March 2nd, 2011 at 10:36 pm
Alison,
Thank you for visiting my blog. I have actually created my updates on my new blog, http://www.msrelief.com so you can catch me there. I have great hopes, but I’ll see what the Lord has in store for me!
Linda
August 26th, 2011 at 3:51 am
Another great post Linda.. I really love your post.. I will be back for more..You have a very interesting video..
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August 26th, 2011 at 5:19 am
Hi Linda…I would love to hear more from you and I will always check your posts…
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August 27th, 2011 at 8:51 pm
Thomas,
I’m now showing my ‘walking updates’ on http://multiplesclerosis-relief.com but I can tell you here that I’m getting stronger with regular exercise and yet my walking is getting worse. I am glad to say that I feel incredibly good, I’ve accepted my new reality, it is what it is and I’m doing my best!
Linda
August 28th, 2011 at 10:51 pm
Hi Linda…I am really glad I have the post you have here for us…Thank you!!You inspire me a lot…
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August 29th, 2011 at 11:34 am
Laura,
Thank you. I’m not really walking any better but I am enjoying life and I love blogging!
Linda
October 4th, 2011 at 5:39 am
hi Linda. this article was inspiring for me. I was the video. good sharing. Thank you.
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October 12th, 2011 at 5:44 am
I really enjoyed watching your video, showing us the strength and your commitment of your journey. Thanks for sharing this to us.
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October 13th, 2011 at 9:46 am
Krysthal,
I’m doing more walking updates on MSrelief.com these days!
Linda
October 17th, 2011 at 3:57 am
Hi Linda!
I am touched as I read your story. I always used to feel that God has given me all the troubles in life but after reading your post I realized that everyone has storms. It is we who need to face with determination and strength. Cheers to your efforts (toasting my cup of tea)
May God Bless You!
Mac
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October 21st, 2011 at 11:12 am
Mac,
Yep! We all have them! I would give my trials up in a second if I had a choice, as I’m sure everyone would!
Linda
October 17th, 2011 at 7:48 am
I enjoy this article very much. The video is also very much enjoyable.
October 19th, 2011 at 8:43 pm
Miss Sumi,
I’m glad I made the videos. I’m still doing a monthly update on my other blog, msrelief.com. The unfortunate thing is that I’m only walking with a walker.
Linda
October 21st, 2011 at 9:15 am
I enjoyed your video showing the strength and commitment of your journey. Keep it up Linda.
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October 21st, 2011 at 11:05 am
Nona,
Thank you for saying so! I’m doing my monthly updates on another blog, http://msrelief.com ~ Unfortunately I’m not doing as well as I wish but I am enjoying my ‘new reality’!!
Linda
October 28th, 2011 at 7:30 am
Your inspirational to us.Having that situation,you’ve been strong.I know you can make it,just believe in God who always there to help and lift you up.May God bless you always and protect you.
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October 28th, 2011 at 9:39 am
Thanks Gracia! I am blessed in so many ways!
Linda
November 7th, 2011 at 10:45 am
Hi Linda,
Thank you for sharing such wonderful and inspirational story of yours. You’re such a trooper. I admire you for your strength and your commitment throughout your journey. Keep up the faith always and don’t stop believing in yourself.
Thank you also for sharing your inspiring video.
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November 7th, 2011 at 11:44 am
Thanks Joe!
I’ll keep on keeping on and I’ll do my best!
Linda
November 16th, 2011 at 9:54 pm
Hi Linda,
I am deeply moved by your story and I admire you at the same time for your strength. It is great to know that “giving up” isn’t part of your vocabulary. You’re truly an inspiration.
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December 6th, 2011 at 5:29 am
I hope more progress will be in you these coming days. Be positive so that positive outcome will follow.
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December 27th, 2011 at 12:47 pm
You keep at it and never give up! I’m off to find more of your updates.
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January 10th, 2012 at 12:16 pm
I too have been having the same thought about all my diagnosis. I couldn’t think of how rude science seems. I just wish that I would have stayed away from all the bad habits.
January 10th, 2012 at 5:24 pm
Melanie,
What have you been diagnosed with?
Linda