It wasn’t until I was working at AWAIC (Abused Women’s Aide in Crisis) that I got it! I finally saw what it means to be honest, 100% honest with myself. I saw myself for the first time from a third person perspective, as my boss saw me (bless her heart!) like a mouse in my pocket. I was working, impressing everyone around (as far as I could see), it wasn’t until my boss, Jeanne, called me on it, that I saw it for what it was! I wonder how many other people in my life saw it, but didn’t have the nerve to tell me what they were seeing!

I was good at what I did. I knew the material, I had the attention of the crowd. I educated the boys in the Juvenile Detention Center about the devastating effects of domestic violence. I talked about the cause, the pain that both the victims and perpetuators were feeling, and set goals for the boys.

My goal was to help them get out of the cycle of abusive behavior and heal from the abuse they’d experienced. I knew full well that most of these boys were abused and abusive.
 
Jeanne called me to her office after the class, to debrief. She asked me how I felt about the class. Of course I told her I thought it went well. The boys continued to pay attention, right until the end. I was sure they must have gotten information at least in their ears, it would take many more times (if ever) until it became a part of their lives.

Then the blast hit. Jeanne said, “It looked to me like you were flirting with the boys.” I couldn’t believe it! I wouldn’t do that! I was 25 years old! These boys were still in high school! I was a happily married woman, with 3 children! I would never even think about such a thing!

That is the truth! I would never have consciously thought of such a thing! As we talked about it, I couldn’t deny it! The way I commanded a crowd of hormonal boys was to keep their attention through my mannerisms, my jokes, my smiles and an occasional wink. As I felt the discomfort washing over me, sitting in the office with my boss, I was so embarrassed!

I felt so guilty! I couldn’t help it, I started to cry! (Later, I learned that is another coping strategy). I had been so proud of myself, teaching these boys things that I was sure they had never heard before, (another thing that I learned, they knew too much and how to hide it!)

This consciousness, this awareness of what I’m doing, being able to be honest with myself, has allowed me to live in peace and happiness! I am continually growing, mastering my observing skills! I am honestly learning, as Katie Freiling said, it’s all about ‘Witnessing Consciousness’. This is reality! Yes!

US statistics on domestic violence are terrifying. A woman is battered every 15 seconds. One in four women will be physically assaulted by her partner. One in three teens will be abused by her boyfriend. While both men and women have been known to carry out acts of violence, 95 percent of hospitalized victims of domestic violence are women.

Occurrences of male abuse against women are exponentially higher and more dangerous than the reverse. Domestic violence isn’t a trend — it’s an epidemic. And, according to Kristen Howell, director of development for Genesis Women’s Shelter in Dallas, Texas, it is pervasive, intergenerational and often deadly. She offers advice on how to recognize traits of an abusive relationship and, more importantly, how to get out of one in a safe manner.

“Many people mistakenly believe that domestic violence begins with a physical assault,” she says. “Verbal and emotional abuse often act as part of a rooming process that is aimed at one partner having power and control over the other person.”She also warns that an abusive partner can have hold over his counterpart through rage, hostility, isolation, obsession and intimidation. “He also will hurt things that are important to her — pets, children, special belongings. It’s all to gain control.”

Howell offers the following advice on how to get out of an abusive relationship:

Tell someone

The first thing a woman should do when she realizes she is in a violent relationship is to tell people who can help. Professionals can devise safety plans, assist with documentation for police reports, divorce and custody battles, and more.

Do what works
Some women decide in one day that living with abuse is no longer an option, and they will leave and never look back. Other women prepare methodically — gathering important documents, getting finances in order, developing a safety plan with a lawyer. Either way is fine, and the most important thing is leaving safely.

Keep Away
Leaving is one step in getting away. Keeping him away is the next hardest step. Abusive partners will go to great lengths to win the relationship back, so it is important to cut ties as much as possible.

Ask for help
Starting over is expensive, daunting, lonely and scary. But women can get through that part with support and resources. Expert counseling makes a big difference in navigating the confusion and keeping on track.

Diane G. Sagan, author of Shelter from the Storm and a survivor of a 10-year abusive relationship, found relief for herself and her children at a local shelter. “After being in denial for a long time, I began making a secret plan to save money. I thought I could hold things together for six months, but I didn’t even come close.”

Sagan has made a career out of her past experiences, using her life’s events to create a fictionalized story of a woman who successfully removes herself from an abusive relationship. She also serves as an inspirational speaker and mentor for women who are going through similar tough times. She urges women not to take matters into their own hands but to use the legal system instead as leverage to start over.

“Do not go back, no matter what he promises you,” she emphasizes.