Some powerlessness comes from external factors that are beyond our control (the holocaust is an extreme example of this) people stripped of dignity and all rights and treated in ways inconceivable to the human mind.

Some powerlessness, however, is learned behavior. For example, a child who grew up in an abusive family, might grow up, leave home, get married and successfully run their own business, yet still feel powerless. This learned thinking (i.e. everyone but ME is in control of me), although no longer true, feels very true to the person living it.

Breaking out of this cycle isn’t easy, but it’s possible. And it begins by learning that you count. You have the right to be in charge of your own life. You have the power to make decisions that are best for you. You have the right to ask for what you need, and to express how you feel.

You do matter. And you can make a difference in your life. It’s possible to take the reins back and steer your life in the direction you want it to go.

When a person, who once felt like the world ran them, begins to experience the feelings of power, whole new horizons open up before them. They realize they don’t have to be a victim anymore! What they think and feel does matter. They have the opportunity to change course and change their minds. They aren’t just a tiny boat being thrashed to and fro on a big scary ocean, no! They’re the captain of a big luxury cruise liner and have their destination in sights and are steering the boat exactly where they want to go.

We might not be able to control every aspect of our lives, and I’m not suggesting that we try. But, we can influence the circumstances in our lives, plot our course and make decisions that are best for us. We don’t have to give our power to someone else. It’s ours! So don’t feel guilty for taking some power back and learning how to steer your life in the direction of your dreams.

“How you perceive yourself determines what you think you are able to do and that determines in turn what you will try. So the self-concept has a tremendous effect upon the intelligence of the individual.”
–Arthur W. Combs

Occurrences of male abuse against women are exponentially higher and more dangerous than the reverse. Domestic violence isn’t a trend — it’s an epidemic. And, according to Kristen Howell, director of development for Genesis Women’s Shelter in Dallas, Texas, it is pervasive, intergenerational and often deadly. She offers advice on how to recognize traits of an abusive relationship and, more importantly, how to get out of one in a safe manner.

“Many people mistakenly believe that domestic violence begins with a physical assault,” she says. “Verbal and emotional abuse often act as part of a rooming process that is aimed at one partner having power and control over the other person.”She also warns that an abusive partner can have hold over his counterpart through rage, hostility, isolation, obsession and intimidation. “He also will hurt things that are important to her — pets, children, special belongings. It’s all to gain control.”

Howell offers the following advice on how to get out of an abusive relationship:

Tell someone

The first thing a woman should do when she realizes she is in a violent relationship is to tell people who can help. Professionals can devise safety plans, assist with documentation for police reports, divorce and custody battles, and more.

Do what works
Some women decide in one day that living with abuse is no longer an option, and they will leave and never look back. Other women prepare methodically — gathering important documents, getting finances in order, developing a safety plan with a lawyer. Either way is fine, and the most important thing is leaving safely.

Keep Away
Leaving is one step in getting away. Keeping him away is the next hardest step. Abusive partners will go to great lengths to win the relationship back, so it is important to cut ties as much as possible.

Ask for help
Starting over is expensive, daunting, lonely and scary. But women can get through that part with support and resources. Expert counseling makes a big difference in navigating the confusion and keeping on track.

Diane G. Sagan, author of Shelter from the Storm and a survivor of a 10-year abusive relationship, found relief for herself and her children at a local shelter. “After being in denial for a long time, I began making a secret plan to save money. I thought I could hold things together for six months, but I didn’t even come close.”

Sagan has made a career out of her past experiences, using her life’s events to create a fictionalized story of a woman who successfully removes herself from an abusive relationship. She also serves as an inspirational speaker and mentor for women who are going through similar tough times. She urges women not to take matters into their own hands but to use the legal system instead as leverage to start over.

“Do not go back, no matter what he promises you,” she emphasizes.

One day, my almost 3yr old son made a mess while eating breakfast. I told him he could go outside and play as soon as his mess was cleaned up. He rolled around on the floor, avoiding the clean-up. When I was done with my work in the kitchen, and ready to leave the room, I minded him, “you can go outside and play as soon as you’re done cleaning up your mess.” His reply, “Don’t worry mom, you’ll forget!”

What I learned from toddlers: The need for consistency.

Action: Read, Ask, Listen, Practice

Read: There are many fabulous parenting books available to help us.
My favorite is Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster W. Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay. With love and logic parenting, we’re able to help kids grow to adulthood, to become contributing members of society. If reading isn’t your thing, Love and Logic has CD sets available to buy and Podcasts to download.
I’ve learned that we are really not doing the kids any favors by doing work for them. It would have been much easier to just pick up the cereal for my son, but what would have happened in the future? I’m sure I’d still be picking up his messes! They would just be bigger and more painful!
 

Ask: Ask specific questions to the right person! Find a mentor. Stay close to someone who has succeeded in raising positive children.

Listen: to yourself. We have a natural instinct of how to help our children learn and progress. When we’re given advice, we can discern it’s value. As we study from the best teachers, we can decide if our children will progress doing what is taught.

Practice: Consistency will be one of our goals. We will be learning and growing with our children. We’ll be overcoming habits that were created as far back as our early childhood. As we are working on reaching the goals that we have set, we need to celebrate our accomplishments as we do our children.