As you affirm positive messages to yourself, you’ll start believing you’re a valuable person. The pain from the past is just that, the past. As you believe you are the valuable person that you are and deserve all that you want, you can face past pain with confidence. You can look at it, feel it, and let it go. When it’s gone, you’re free to embrace the life that you have always dreamed of.
I didn’t suffer severe emotional pain as a child. My personal growth experiences came later in life.
I asked my good friend, Kellie Carlson Dunlap to share her experiences, she wrote the following:
“Facing the pain is terrifying, but the joy that comes once you have walked through it is indescribably freeing.
The most natural reaction in the world is that of “fight or flight.” Therefore, our first reaction to any pain is to run from it emotionally. We shove it down deep within ourselves and pretend it is not there, or we mask the pain with anger or with substances. When the pain boils up and threatens to make us actually feel it, we tenaciously cling to the way we have coped in the past and shove it down harder into our soul, or burst out in anger, or turn to substances to numb ourselves. Anything to stop ourselves from feeling. However, that feeling itself is the very first step in our healing process.
We can never be free of our past until we first face the pain it has caused us by truly allowing ourselves to feel it for the first time. Feeling and dealing with the pain is the only way to remove it and move on.
I like to think of the pain that used to be inside me through an analogy I noticed in my environment. I once had an experience where I came across a formerly stately tree that had split in two all the way along its trunk and was laying in two pieces on the ground dying. There was no apparent reason for its demise and I tucked the experience away in my list of ponderables.
It was many years later when I discovered that if a wedge is placed in a young tree trunk as it is growing, the trunk will simply grow around it. The tree encases the wedge within itself and seems to grow without any sign of trouble. However, that wedge is a hidden canker ”a sore” within the tree. No one can see it from the outside, but it is still in there and it has still done damage to the tree. Eventually, left un-dealt with, that wedge can split the entire tree from the inside.
I have no idea if that is what happened to the tree I bemoaned that day, but I do know that there was a point in my life when I had a wedge buried deeply inside me. It was my secret pain. I never thought of it. I ignored it. When it threatened to come up to the surface, I shoved with all my might to push it down deep inside me where it couldn’t hurt me. Or so I thought. You see, I thought that as long as I didn’t pay attention to it, I wasn’t letting it affect my life. The truth was that by not dealing with it I was letting it rule my life. It was always there threatening to make me feel the pain from my past. By ignoring it, I was giving it power.
When I finally realized that, I confronted it. I spent a period of time just feeling the pain. I did this in a safe situation with trusted people in my life (for me it was a therapist and my mother, but for you it may be others). That step was crucial. I was terrified. It hurt so badly and I didn’t even know what events had made me feel what I was feeling, but I had to just let myself feel without trying to explain it or fix it.
Feeling is good. Allowing ourselves to feel is what keeps us healthy. But, when you haven’t felt for a long time, it can seem like the most confusing and scary event of your life. At the time, it seems far more overwhelming than the original event that caused the pain in the first place.
I promise you that once you just let feeling wash over you for a sufficient period of time you will begin to heal. Your heart and your mind will connect in a way that will allow you to start understanding yourself more clearly and making any necessary changes in your life.
Once you push through that first period of time when it feels like the pain you are allowing yourself to feel will destroy you, you will no longer be scared of it. That isn’t because it was any easier than you feared it would be, but because you are stronger than you thought you were.
There is an old adage that if everyone in a room were told that they could put down their trials in life and were invited to go around the room and trade them for the trials of other people,we would all look around and then walk back to our own trials and pick them up. This is because we don’t fear what we know we can deal with. Once you know you can deal with emotion, you will no longer fear feeling it. It will become a welcome friend, a gauge which tells you what you like and what you don’t like about your life and helps you find clear ways to choose your future.”
I have always known that I had a wonderful childhood. When I heard Kellie’s story, I started to devalue my pain. I caught myself, pain is pain, and we all have it. Maybe you are experiencing the same thing. In reality, we must all feel our pain and let it go. When we do, we will all regain our power and create a wonderful life for ourselves no matter what our trials are.
When I confronted my guilt, my pain, it felt to me like a big wave. Having spent time swimming on the ocean, it was fresh in my mind. My guilt felt like the waves unexpectedly slamming over me and pushing my face into the sand. Gasping for air, my nose and mouth filled with sand. Unable to breathe or even lift my head out of the water, I coughed and choked and feared I was dying – then the wave rolled back, giving me time to breathe, shake it off, stand up and get out of the water.
As I faced my guilt and shame, I felt the fear of dying. I still remember the waves of emotion covering over me, and then rolling back. That was it. It was only a short time, I was surprisingly still alive. In the calm, after a few more sniffles, a few more tears, maybe even more waves, it was over.
After I felt it, I could look at the emotion, the experience, with a different outlook.
I continued affirming reality saying to myself “I’m safe, all is peaceful in my world.” I wrote the experience in my journal, as evidence that I made it through, describing what I learned. I knew that I had beliefs that had to be changed. I could look at this guilt as a motivator to change. I knew I could change.
Remember our experiences no matter how difficult, can turn out to be our greatest good if we approach it in ways from which we can grow.
Introspection is the key. Look, listen, and feel what’s going on in your heart and in your mind. Many of us grow up feeling so flawed that we don’t think we deserve any goodness. But we do! We all do! Let go of the past and be free!
Find a friend if you need support as you feel your pain. If you need a friend, I’m here. http://www.lindagraceonline.com
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:00 am
Linda:
Sadly, pain can be such a huge barrier for people being able to realize the success they dream of because the fear and heartache holds them back from reaching for their dreams. For those hurting, receiving healing for those hurts is necessary to move forward. Some of what you wrote here reminded me of a scripture “…what was intended for evil, God can use for good.” When a person can take their pain and use it to reach out to and help others, they have found some of “the good” that this is referencing.
God Bless you!
Krista
February 22nd, 2010 at 7:06 pm
Yes, I agree! We really can turn our pain into good, God has a way for us to make that possible. Thank you!
February 21st, 2010 at 10:54 am
The truth is, you are in charge of our destiny. Your happiness is connected with how you see yourself as a person.
February 22nd, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Iola, I’m grateful that I realize it! You know it too! We create our own destiny! Take a look at this other post and get yourself a picture to go with your comment! http://lindagraceonline.com/get-the-focus-on-you/
February 27th, 2010 at 9:27 pm
It appears that you have placed a lot of effort into your article and I require more of these on the net these days. I sincerely got a kick out of your post. I don’t really have much to say in response, I only wanted to comment to reply wonderful work.
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:28 am
I’m glad you enjoyed my post! Why don’t you take a look at http://lindagraceonline.com/get-the-focus-on-you/ and get a picture on your comments?!
March 1st, 2010 at 7:31 pm
Good morning, It’s a rare find for a nice blog like this. I enjoyed it. Kudos to you. Have a nice day!
March 5th, 2010 at 9:03 pm
Thank you Johnny! Next time you visit you should check out http://lindagraceonline.com/get-the-focus-on-you/ and connect a picture to your comments!
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:59 pm
Great comment about motivation
March 5th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
Thank you Carroll! Pain can get in our way if we don’t let it go!
April 28th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Linda,
It is so true that if we had the choice of getting someone else’s trials or keeping our own, we would gladly keep ours. I believe that we are on this earth to learn certain lessons. When we’ve learned them and are strong, more are sent our way. It is the challenges that make us grow!
April 28th, 2010 at 2:41 pm
I’ve heard my self say, more than once, “Lord, haven’t I learned enough?”
April 28th, 2010 at 9:50 pm
What an amazing post Linda!
Thanks for sharing it with us. I strive to work through and move through my pains and challenges of the past and present. I have a thought that I use when in this situation that says “Feel the fear and do it anyway…”
I totally agree that it is through the experience of the fear that we can really grow and ultimately be fulfilled.
Make it a great day!
God Bless,
-ed
January 16th, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Great post Linda.
I think that you are right and what you believe in the mind you can see in your reality. Thanks
tim @ canker sore treatment recently posted..Canker Sore Home Remedies
January 16th, 2011 at 4:32 pm
Tim~
Thank you for visiting my blog! I’m going to check out yours too!
Linda
February 14th, 2011 at 12:00 am
The pain of the past is part of what made you the person you are today. Even though it might not appear like that right now, if you think about it we as people learn a lot from dealing with hard, painful situations. Stress management, emotion control, perseverance,… Try to focus on what you learn instead of what you feel.
Alison@Online women’s magazine recently posted..How To Let Go Of The Past And Move On Without Losing Your Mind
February 14th, 2011 at 5:35 pm
Thank you Alison, I agree with what you say about pain! I’m eager to read your last post!
Linda
April 21st, 2011 at 10:59 pm
After years of not “getting” it, I finally have come to the realization that my place in this life is tied directly to the decision I make for myself, not anything or anyone else. Co-dependence is in some ways a natural human reaction to events (as least it was for me) that I had to consciously work on to get over.
Travis@SEO In Connecticut recently posted..Imagine Intelligent Advertising at Your Fingertips
April 23rd, 2011 at 8:07 am
Travis,
Thank you for commenting on my blog! I’m happy for you that you got over the co-dependence~ change isn’t an easy thing!
Why don’t you get a Gravatar? I’ll show you how here http://lindagraceonline.com/get-the-focus-on-you/ then leave another comment and let me see!
Linda
May 2nd, 2011 at 4:40 am
Thank you so much for this enlightening post. I always knew that I should let go of my fears. I often feel so anxious of what the consequences of my actions are that I sometimes end up stranded and confused. Thank you for sharing this, it comforted me.
comfortablefoot recently posted..Dansko Sonja womens shoes
May 2nd, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Thank you for visiting my blog, lindagraceonline.com! I noticed you don’t have a gravatar! Connecting an image to your comment (actually to your email address) is very important! It’s simple and free! Check out this post and I’ll walk you through it! http://lindagraceonline.com/get-the-focus-on-you/
And leave your name so I know who you are!
Linda
May 20th, 2011 at 1:36 am
Great review about Pain and happiness. I do agree, Pain is just a part of life. Realize the point that pain will not last for ever. Thinking positively and keeping emotions aside for a while can work.
May 20th, 2011 at 6:53 pm
I really love this blog!! I enjoyed reading this article. I’ll gain knowledge on this topic. I’ve done and if people found out what they would say but I can’t blame it on anyone but myself and I learned that sometimes people will always find something negative to say about me, whethere it be my family or friends or partner. What should I do?? Thanks for this nice article!! Keep it up
May 25th, 2011 at 8:30 am
Hi, thanks for this very thoughtful post. I think there’s a lot of truth to what you say, especially about facing our pain and not trying to bury it within us. I also think that what you say sounds very similar to ideas that are common in every religious tradition- have you considered a religious framework for your thoughts? I am a catholic, but I find that it doesn’t require being catholic to benefit from facing our limitations and our mistakes…
Best to all of you,
Mark
Mark Manlee recently posted..NewAir ads-300 Mini Dehumidifier Review
May 28th, 2011 at 12:36 pm
Mark,
Thank you for saying so! When I started blogging I was discouraged from putting Religion out there. I have since changed my ways and I wrote a post on my other blog. I need to get it here also, I’ll do it before I go to sleep tonight! You are right! If you’re interested, you can read it here: http://multiplesclerosis-relief.com/linda-grace-cox-is-a-member-of-the-lds-church/
Linda
ps. Why don’t you get a Gravatar, a picture connected to your comments? I’ll show you how here http://lindagraceonline.com/get-the-focus-on-you/ then leave another comment and let me see!
May 27th, 2011 at 12:03 am
I agree with you Michelle.. I continued to continue to think positive, it can help to let go my pain. I’m afraid of losing someone.. I do not really understand why. Thanks to the tips..
May 28th, 2011 at 10:35 am
Mark,
I believe that thinking positively is the only way to go! I’m glad you do! There will always be some thing negative in our lives, but as we let that go and focus on the positive, more positive will come!
Linda
ps. Why don’t you get a Gravatar, a picture connected to your comments? I’ll show you how here http://lindagraceonline.com/get-the-focus-on-you/ then leave another comment and let me see!
Linda
June 12th, 2011 at 11:19 pm
I totally with you Linda. I love your comment!! Thanks a lot!!
— http://www.heikenashi.com/
June 13th, 2011 at 5:21 pm
I totally agree with you rather.. Sorry for may mistake!
May 27th, 2011 at 12:09 am
i love this blog,very nice and inspiring. I enjoy reading your article. Thanks for sharing your knowledgeable thoughts to us.
May 27th, 2011 at 9:28 am
Lyka,
Thanks for taking the time to comment!
Linda
ps. Why don’t you get a Gravatar, a picture connected to your comments? I’ll show you how here http://lindagraceonline.com/get-the-focus-on-you/ then leave another comment and let me see!
May 29th, 2011 at 7:31 pm
“Facing the pain is terrifying, but the joy that comes once you have walked through it is indescribably freeing.
Linda, thank you for this article, it was really inspiring especially to some people that was going thru a lot of pain. a lot of us were experiencing different kinds of pain but don’t know how to deal with it. you have touched our souls.
Mike Sullivan
VP of Customer Service
The Complete Muay Thai Home Study Course
May 30th, 2011 at 10:57 am
Muay,
I’m glad you found some comfort here. We all have pain, different for everyone, but it’s possible to let it go.
Take care,
Linda
June 10th, 2011 at 8:43 pm
The stronger attachment is to something in your life, the greater your suffering. But we live in a world of things, of possessions, of people we care for, ideas (or ideals) we hold onto… and the solution is certainly not abandoning everything in our lives.
June 13th, 2011 at 5:23 pm
Awesome.. This is very nice topic. In fairness, I have many experience about this situation. Thanks for the advice Linda!! Great post, Hopefully, I can let go of my pain!!
June 13th, 2011 at 6:02 pm
Nicole,
Thank you for visiting my blog! I’m sorry you’ve suffered. I don’t know anything about you but I promise you can let it go! Is there anything I can do to help? I can schedule time to visit on Skype if you’d like. Just let me know!
Linda
June 13th, 2011 at 11:59 pm
I love this blog. You have a very inspiring thoughts here Linda and you inspired me a lot. I agree with what you are saying here but to letting go of pain is not so easy
. I think it is time for me to follow your advice here. A big thanks to you Linda.
June 15th, 2011 at 6:23 pm
Carla,
Thank you for saying so! My heart goes out to you! Pain is not easy to deal with! If you need someone to talk to, find me on facebook: http://fb.com/LindaGraceCox
Linda
June 14th, 2011 at 12:10 am
This is very nice topic. In fairness, I have many experience about this situation. Thanks for the advice Linda!! Great post, Hopefully, I can let go of my pain!!Thank you
Jason recently posted..VA Home Loan Refinance
June 15th, 2011 at 9:50 pm
When i read this post i felt something awakening in my heart! You awake me and inspired me a lot of your very own powerful guides and advice her Linda. I admire you for being so brilliant women LINDA. Thank you so much for this words of wisdom. I’m sure many of us want to read your post here. I am going to save this article and read it when i am about in pain
.
faye recently posted..The contour Belt Can Give You What You Need!
June 23rd, 2011 at 7:17 pm
I have to agree that releasing from pain is very difficult to do especially when a lot of people have been affected because of the circumstances. People have said that the only way to be truly happy is to let go of the past because it’s over. Politicians who have a lot of issues with their rivals probably have to read this post.
nathan anderson of Grounds Maintenance, Landscaping Services, Tree Services
June 23rd, 2011 at 8:10 pm
Nathan,
Thank you for commenting on my blog~ The politician comment made me smile in a not so positive way! I know that letting go of your pain is the way to go but not just stuffing it down or ignoring it, truly feeling it and releasing!
Linda
July 8th, 2011 at 3:18 pm
You are brilliant Linda.Thank you so much for your inspiring thoughts.Pain is so hard to handle.Your article help me a lot.Thanks.
July 8th, 2011 at 10:11 pm
Amy,
Thanks for saying so. Over the years I’ve learned so many things about having a happy life. I believe it all starts with letting go of the pain!
Linda
ps. Why don’t you get a Gravatar, a picture connected to your comments?! I created a post to show you how to get this simple and free account! Check this out here: http://lindagraceonline.com/get-the-focus-on-you/
September 30th, 2011 at 1:05 pm
Hi Linda, you mentioned:
“Many of us grow up feeling so flawed that we don’t think we deserve any goodness. But we do!”
You are so correct….the only limitations that are keeping us from our dreams, goals, and aspirations are the ones that we impose on ourselves. Goodness is abundant in this world and all of us are worthy of more than what our self-sabotaging subconscious minds tell us. Thank you for such an inspirational reminder.
September 30th, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Andrew,
I’m glad you took the time to comment! With this knowledge it will be fun to see what the future has in store!
Linda
October 13th, 2011 at 11:58 am
The “Wedge” the author talked about is all too often true. We are so good at putting on a “front” for others and pretending all is well. Unfortunately our loved ones are the ones that suffer the most when the canker or cancer starts to seep out. I like what you said about individual pain. It is ours. Even when we feel like it may be smaller than other peoples. We can always find someone that is worse off than us, the point is that we have to deal with ourselves. Great thoughts. – Joy
October 15th, 2011 at 7:32 pm
Joy,
I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I honestly started blogging when my MS was put in remission but the damage was too late to be fully functioning the way I had planned. I wanted to share with others all that I learned over the 48 years of my life. What you just said, our pain is individual is the truth!
Linda
October 15th, 2011 at 7:00 am
I just could not leave your website prior to letting you know that I really enjoyed the quality info you offer to your visitors… Is going to be back soon to check up on new stuff you post!
December 2nd, 2011 at 5:26 am
Hi Linda,
Your article got me thinking. Does it mean I am still hurting for what the person did to me if until now i kinda hate him. I mean, I don’t really hate him but everything I remember a thing that he did to me that he almost ruined my life, I would feel angry at him. I really do not want ti feel like this,.. but I don’t know.
Regards,
Amber from does the flex belt work
December 2nd, 2011 at 6:16 pm
Amber,
The truth is, if you’re still having negative thoughts for him, you haven’t forgiven him. Yes, it’s something that you need to feel, I mean truly feel and then let it blow away like the breeze. Remember forgiveness is not trust. Forgiveness is only for you, he never needs to know. Forgiveness does not forget. What ever you do, remember what he did and don’t let him or anyone like him back in your life. Spend time making yourself into someone that can never be abused or mistreated in any way. Believe how wonderful you are and open your arms to receive everything you deserve!
If you haven’t already, leave your name and email address on the front page of this site and receive a free ebook that I’ve created to take the 5 steps to create a wonderful life. All the information is right here on the site if you want to search. Each post begins with Create a Wonderful life. Be strong, you can do it! If you want to visit me on Facebook I’m lindagracecox.
Linda