I’m sure you’ve seen her. You might even know her. That super confident, always poised person who isn’t swept up in the opinions of others. Her healthy social relationships are relaxed and joyful. Although she values her friends and family, she’s strong enough to make good decisions without crumbling to the pressure or expectations of those around her. Everyone treats her with great respect and seems happier when she’s around. In fact, she’s usually happy herself. Often it even seems that she gets favorable treatment wherever she goes.

Why did she seem to do it with such ease?

Studies have shown that people with healthy self-esteem really are treated differently than people with low-self-esteem. Because of this treatment, it re-enforces what they already believe about themselves. Higher self-esteem people often receive favorable treatment. They’re strengthened by positive past performance and they believe they are and will be successful in what they set out to do.

Low-self-esteem people are often plagued by doubt, past rejections and failure. They are more likely ignored, put down, rejected, not listened to, compared to others or labeled than their higher self-esteem counterparts. Because they rely on others to support and approve of them, they give in to peer pressure more often.

It really does matter what we think about ourselves.

A friend of mine has a note taped by her computer to remind her of this. It says, “Listen to your heart above all other voices.”
~ Marta Kagan

It might not be an overnight process to become the confident, poised person we long to be. But we can start focusing on good, right, true thoughts and then we’ll be one step closer to becoming that person we truly long to be.

Tell me in the comments what you’ve done to be the woman you want to be.

As we focus on strengths everywhere around us, our self-confidence and feelings of worth are seen. When we focus on the good around us we’ll see our situations improve! See the positive! Recognize accomplishments everywhere! Respect everyone!

Choose to see the good in yourself and others then watch what comes back to you!
Enjoy the Day,
Linda Grace

Powerlessness. Can you point to a time you felt that way? Most everyone has at least one incident they can recall. Others don’t know what life feels like outside of feelings of powerlessness. It’s a way of life. Some of us learn powerlessness as a young child because we lived in abusive situations that had no escape. Some learn it as adults, when faced with situations that are beyond our control such as trying to get ahead of the bills, or working for a power-hungry boss that is impossible to please.

Some powerlessness comes from external factors that are beyond our control (the holocaust is an extreme example of this) people stripped of dignity and all rights and treated in ways inconceivable to the human mind.

Some powerlessness, however, is learned behavior. For example, a child who grew up in an abusive family, might grow up, leave home, get married and successfully run their own business, yet still feel powerless. This learned thinking (i.e. everyone but ME is in control of me), although no longer true, feels very true to the person living it.

Breaking out of this cycle isn’t easy, but it’s possible. And it begins by learning that you count. You have the right to be in charge of your own life. You have the power to make decisions that are best for you. You have the right to ask for what you need, and to express how you feel.

You do matter. And you can make a difference in your life. It’s possible to take the reins back and steer your life in the direction you want it to go.

When a person, who once felt like the world ran them, begins to experience the feelings of power, whole new horizons open up before them. They realize they don’t have to be a victim anymore! What they think and feel does matter. They have the opportunity to change course and change their minds. They aren’t just a tiny boat being thrashed to and fro on a big scary ocean, no! They’re the captain of a big luxury cruise liner and have their destination in sights and are steering the boat exactly where they want to go.

We might not be able to control every aspect of our lives, and I’m not suggesting that we try. But, we can influence the circumstances in our lives, plot our course and make decisions that are best for us. We don’t have to give our power to someone else. It’s ours! So don’t feel guilty for taking some power back and learning how to steer your life in the direction of your dreams.

“How you perceive yourself determines what you think you are able to do and that determines in turn what you will try. So the self-concept has a tremendous effect upon the intelligence of the individual.”
–Arthur W. Combs

“People seldom improve when they have no other model but themselves to copy.”
–Oliver Goldsmith

Is Superman in the building?

Okay Superman is a bit much, I admit, but where are the good role models for us to follow? And, just as important, how do we become good role models for others?

Role models are human reference points for us to follow. Not copy. Not become an exact replica of, but follow. They are people ahead of us on the road that light the way. People we respect that hold the same values and are living life in a brave, upright, healthy way.

If you doubt the power of a role model think back to a really outstanding (or exceptionally terrible) teacher you had growing up. Do you remember anything good (or bad) they did or said that helped form the person you are today?

Not only do we need role models in our lives, but we also need to live in such a way that we can be role models to others. If you have children, being a role model is not an option. It comes with the job. Our children watch everything we say and do. Nothing escapes them. Whether good or bad, we are the first role models they ever have.

How do you become a good role model? Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

1. WATCH your actions. Others are.
2. BE HONEST with yourself. How can you become a better person?
3. REPAIR yourself. Get rid of those less than stellar problems and habits that you have.
4. SHINE. Let your good stuff show.
5. PUT YOUR HEART into it. Do your best at whatever you do and therefore inspire others to give 100% to life.

What kind of role models did you have growing up? What kind do you have now? Take stock of your current life and see if you need to search out new role models to emulate.

Here are some things to look for when considering a new role model:

1. Do they seem to have confidence in their own abilities?
2. Do they celebrate people as unique and special?
3. Do they interact well with others and take time to communicate?
4. Do they live their life according to the standards you believe important?
5. Do they spend time making the world a better place?

Never underestimate the need for a good role model in your life, nor the power of your example in the lives of others.

“Learn from the mistakes of others—you can’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.”
–Martin Vanbee

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” –Dr. Seuss

In a society that seems to reward us for looking, acting and thinking alike, having a unique identity might seem a bit out of date, or even worse, like a sure route to social stigma. Celebrating our individual uniqueness starts by acknowledging and respecting the qualities we posses that make us different from everyone else. We are special. No one is exactly like us. And that’s GOOD! Another aspect of uniqueness is the need to be respected by others and admired for possessing those unique qualities. While we can’t control what others think about us, we can control what we think about ourselves. And, believe it or not, the way we think, speak and treat ourselves, is a big indication to others on how to think, speak to, and treat us. Instead of looking around at how beautiful, rich, smart, and talented others are and wishing we were like them, let’s spend some time looking inside us to see what unique, wonderful gems we’ve hidden away. Time to pull them out! Wondering how much freedom you’ve given yourself to be you? Think about things like this:

1. Are you doing things for the right reason (i.e. the groups you’ve joined, the hobbies you spend time on, the sports you play/watch, etc.)?

2. How do you dress? in things you like, or labels/styles that others dictate to you?

3. Are you aware of how you feel or do you let other’s thoughts and feelings dictate your behaviors?

4. Are there things that you’d like to do or try that you haven’t because nobody else is doing it, or nobody else would understand (i.e. a class or skill or hobby you’d like to learn/do, etc.)?

The less time we spend on looking at how together and cool others are, the better. Then we’ll have the time we need to develop and love the uniqueness of ourselves. As we grow in our ability to let ourselves be us, our desire to be more like everyone else will disappear. And in it’s place, our self-worth will become stronger.
Are you finding this to be true?

“Envy is a symptom of lack of appreciation of our own uniqueness and self worth. Each of us has something to give that no one else has.” —Anon

Like a favored recipe, the making and maintaining of a healthy self-esteem start with the right fresh ingredients lovingly prepared. Here’s a recipe that we all need to add to our lives and enjoy often.

Recipe for a Healthy Self-Esteem:

Start with one part connection Liberally sprinkle with large doses of unique identity Season with a bit of power Stir in positive role models Mix all ingredients together and let self-esteem rise.

This recipe is best if consumed as a regular part of daily life.

After many years of research, Clemes and Bean found that only four basic conditions are necessary for maintaining a high self-esteem: connectiveness, uniqueness, power and role models.

Over the course of the next few blog entries, I will discuss each of these vital conditions with you in detail. Let’s start with Connectiveness.

Connectiveness. The satisfaction a person experiences when he/she feels part of or belongs to something larger (group, family, etc.) than themselves, and when they feel they’re important to those people with whom they “belong”.

 No man is an island. This is more than a clique. It’s the truth. We need each other.

Psychologist Abraham Maslow concluded that the need to belong is one of the five basic needs a human being has, and is only lower than psychological (food, water, shelter) and safety (security, stability, freedom from fear) needs. It’s no wonder that you can belong to almost ANY kind of group in our society, sports, school and church groups, peer, critique, and hobby groups. The list goes on and on.

Take a look at your connections. How connected do you feel? What groups do you belong to? What kind of social framework does your life rest upon? How connected to your family and friends are you?

If the answers to these questions feel a bit sparse, look into ways you can build up that connection in your life.

Connectiveness is an essential ingredient for living a healthy, balanced life and will help ensure that your self-esteem is right where it should be. In

In contrast to how a child belongs in the world, adult belonging is never as natural, innocent, or playful. Adult belonging has to be chosen, received, and renewed. It is a lifetime’s work. –John O’Donahue

Life is like an onion; you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes it makes you cry. I was learning and growing, overcoming my faults, and working through “pain bodies” as Eckhart Toole taught. It seemed to me that life is like onions. Every time I would recognize a fault that I had developed, change my thinking process, work through it, overcome my weakness and develop a new, better habit, there would be another layer! Every day, with each step that I was taking, my world seemed better! It was an exciting time! Through the years, every time I’d overcome a weakness, I’d feel great, but I’d see there was something, another different bad habit to work on. I was getting closer and closer to God. I had wonderful, loving feelings about myself, and everyone around me, but there was still more layers!

It seemed that the layers were never ending! One day, in exasperation, I asked God if there wasn’t something better in the middle?! I needed to know that there was something that I was made of, that wasn’t just Ick! It wasn’t until I asked God, that I found out. I spent time in meditation and prayer, with thought and focus on my value, and I saw what was in the middle! I saw what was inside of me! And what is inside of everyone!

The answer came to me in a beautiful vision, it was almost like a dream, but I was completely awake. I saw those layers, it was not layers of an onion, they were more like the layers of a green, leafy plant, these leaves are symbolic of our experiences. Experiences that are caused by us, or upon us by others, either way, they were experiences to be learned from. We will have these experiences every day, it is the stuff life is made of.

In the center of all these experiences, these green leaves, was a wonderful jewel! It was, a beautiful, sparkling, translucent and reflective Diamond! The cut of the diamond is beautifully unique, calculated to optimize fire and brilliance. I saw the crystal, clear color of the diamond! During the struggles, (the layers of leaves), dealing with other’s imperfections, and dealing with my own, this diamond is always there, it’s within me, within us. It’s within everyone, no matter how coated with the leaves of experiences we are. As we learn from our experiences, we will be polished and shined. It is our experiences that make us into what we are! No matter if we recognize it or not, we are, now and always, Diamonds in the Rough!

“I don’t have a creative bone in my body!”

Ever had that thought? If so, you’re not alone. Even professional artists struggle with their creative ability from time to time.

What might surprise you, however, is that studies show that a person’s self-esteem is connected to their creativity. Yep, here we go again – we have to take another look at our self-worth!

It goes something like this: To be creative requires risk. To take risks requires self-confidence. To gain self-confidence requires trusting that people important to us will accept us regardless of whether we fail or succeed.

If we thrive on the approval and praise of others, we experience stunted imagination and seek to conform rather than take unnecessary risks. If we’re self-confident, the sky’s the limit! We are free to soar, stretching our creative wings.

You might think, “So what?? I didn’t want to be an artist anyway!”

You don’t have to be an artist to benefit from a boost in your creative-self-esteem. Enhanced creativity gives you better problem-solving skills. It helps you see multiple possibilities and solutions to life’s daily events. And yes, it even helps with the “art” of daily life how to make a pleasing dinner for your family or color-coordinate your child’s clothing before he leaves for school. It gives you ideas on unique ways to connect and love the people around you and how to save money on the household budget without feeling the bite. The list is as endless as creativity itself.

If you’re itching for more creativity in your life, the first thing you might want to gauge is the heartiness of your self-esteem. Water it with lots of permission and positive thoughts. Pull up some of those stubborn negative-word weeds. Over time, your creative garden is sure to start growing. Eventually, you’ll see the effect of it woven all throughout your life.

You may have heard the funny little adage: I wish I were the person my dog believes I am.

Dog owners read that and smile. Ah, yes unconditional love lavished upon us regardless of our faults. It doesn’t matter if we’re fat or old or forgot to make snacks for our children’s youth function. We are perfect in the eyes of our dog.

A person struggling with self-esteem issues often spends her whole life listening to what other’s think about her. And it’s never as glamorous as the dog’s opinion! How well we “measure up” to expectations of others (and ourselves) often becomes our measurement of success.

Our self-esteem is, essentially, a measuring stick of how we view ourselves. It’s my evaluation of me; you’re evaluation of you. It’s a self-appraisal based on what we feel (and what we imagine other people must think) about our life performance how capable, lovely, worthy, successful, appreciated, beautiful and flawless we are.

The problem with this is that we have a wacky set of measuring tools that tell us what the standard is. We are constantly bombarded by our culture, media, relationships, work, friends, commercials, newspaper, Internet, our feelings at any given moment, and our health. Much of what we hear (or sometimes perceive we hear) is not realistic. Yet, we embrace it as TRUTH and feverishly try to live this impossible standard. And when we fail, we use it as ammunition against our value as a person.

Having healthy self-esteem requires turning a deaf ear to the stuff flying at us that’s out of balance. It’s learning to rest in the truth that we are lovable, regardless of how we look, what kind of mood we’re in, how we clean our house, or how much money we make.

You are valuable. You are important. Period. There are NO qualifiers to this. There are no performance tests. You can set the ruler down. You measure up.

One of the first steps in boosting your self-esteem is to give yourself permission to be you: Unique, wonderful, interesting, glorious YOU. There is no one exactly like YOU. (And, believe it or not, it’s meant to be that way!)

Another crucial step is giving yourself permission to set realistic standards for yourself. Not the perceived standards of Hollywood, family, friends or co-workers. The key here is REALISTIC standards ones that fit YOU.

And if you have a dog, you just might want to thank him. Maybe he’s smarter than you’ve given him credit for. He loves you just for you. He doesn’t have anything he’s measuring you against. And just YOU is enough.

We all have life experiences. Each of them helps mold us into the people we become. Some of those experiences are wonderful. We cherish them and hold them dear. We thank God for them with hearts bursting full of gratitude.

Some, however, wear us down and chip at our sagging self-esteem. They help undermine our thinking, cause us to question our worth and sometimes send us running for cover. After a string of such experiences, we often start believing their lies.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

I became a student of healthy self-esteem many years ago, hungrily learning all I could through young adulthood, college, marriage, children and grandchildren. I tried hard to learn (and sometimes re-learn) the many lessons life threw my way. I wasn’t always grateful for the learning process. I’ve made mistakes along the way. But I’ve also had tremendous successes. And throughout the process, I’ve learned to shed harmful thinking errors and embrace the truth about who I am, where I’m headed and why I’m here.

If you were blessed with good parents, people who instilled in you great value, who loved you and made sure you knew it, who taught you to dream and guided you along the way then you were given an amazing gift. Quite possibly the greatest gift you’ll ever receive.

Not everyone is given that foundational and important gift. But there’s good news. You can change. You possess the ability to break the cycle. You can stand up to the lies and decide to live in the truth. No matter where you’ve come from or how you see yourself. No matter what others have told you, or what your family history says you will be.

It can start with you. And I’d like to partner with you in your journey share with you what I’ve learned, and cheer you on as you go. It’s not always going to be easy. But I can tell you for a fact, it IS possible and it IS worth it!

YOU can do it. Why not start today? Pay attention. Watch yourself, like a mouse in your pocket.